Everything Is Grey

I'm in the midst of the worst mental health breakdown I have ever experienced. I say this honestly. I say this not to solicit sympathy or pity. I say it because I think that honesty goes a long way with those of you who have come here to read about my life. I do not have an Instagram-perfect life. (If you follow me on Instagram, you know everything is heavily filtered and mostly is pictures of my dogs). I'm not one of those military wives who writes about attending military balls and taking advantage of all the opportunities that military life has to offer. I have zero things against those types of military wives. Sometimes I wish I was one of them. I envy them and their ability to wake up and get out of bed and walk more than a block without having to sit or ride in a wheelchair. I admire their ability to cook for their families, decorate for holidays, keep their kids dressed and alive and healthy, etc. In contrast, today I brushed my hair for the first time in seven days. I'm not joking when I say that this was a monumental task. Talk about knots. It was pretty gross. Thankfully, I had the presence of mind to use a lot of conditioner and a hair mask before attempting to unsnarl the mass that my ponytail had become.
My Psychiatrist told me that I need to treat this like the flu. Lots of fluids, lots of rest, watch a lot of movies and TV, and be nice to my body. I bought a bunch of food that I usually love, because otherwise I can't attempt myself to swallow even one bite. My poor anxious stomach can't handle the idea of a full plate or even a half-full bowl of cereal. I've dropped at least five pounds in the past few days and it's not a good kind of weight loss. I've slept for over eighteen hours a day every day and I'm still so exhausted that my entire body is pretty much constantly shaking and I'm seeing double.
I won't go into what is going on in my brain simply because it is too triggering to me and to others who have similar issues. Let's just say it is hell and leave it at that.
I'm safe. I have 24/7 monitoring and I have to show my husband my pills and show him me taking those pills and I have an action plan and lots of resources when I need them. I say when, not if, because I 1000% need them. Believe me, this is not an "if" time.
My Psychiatrist also told me that I'm actively going through new trauma right now. I also looked up my medications and they're medicating me pretty heavily, apparently. It seems as though the combo that I'm on is used to treat some real nasty things. She looked at my eyes and saw me losing my mind sobbing and told me I need to get into intensive treatment as soon as possible. She called my insurance company and is working with them to get me into a Partial Hospitalization Program and a DBT program. She helped me set up the safety plan and the action plan and if those fail, she told me she wants me in the hospital. Right now they seem to be working okay, so that's nice I guess.
We had people over for a barbecue and it was actually really nice. Lots of laughter. I felt like I was playing the part of a happy person, but even that was nice. It forced me to take a shower and put on real clothes and talk to people. I didn't have any energy to do makeup or care about outfits or anything, but it was still good for me to try to interact with normal humans. It was exhausting, and I'll probably be more "sick" tomorrow, but I still think it was good for me. And it was definitely good for my husband to laugh and grill and tease and eat with his friends. He's been so steady and supportive this week, and it was comforting to see him let go and have a good time.
I'm wearing my new PTSD bracelet constantly. A local first responder makes these bracelets as a way of coping with his PTSD and as a helpful tool for the PTSD community. The beaded bracelet has a bunch of normal beads and one skull bead. The skull bead represents the trauma. The rest of the beads represent blessings. You're supposed to go around the bracelet, naming all the blessings in your life with each normal bead and reflecting on the trauma in order to let it go when you reach the skull bead. It's actually a rather helpful visual, as it is obvious that the skull bead is hopelessly outnumbered by the blessings beads. Even though it is horrifically difficult for me to name blessings right now, the act of forcing my brain to try to think of positive things is healing.
I'm not sure when I'll be writing another post. Thank you all for bearing with me with the sporadic posting of the past few months. I'm afraid I can't be certain of when I will have the energy to write again. Hopefully this nastiness passes soon, but everyone is warning me that it can last for a month or more. I think I'll run out of shows to binge-watch by then. Stay safe, friends. I'm off to hide under a blanket, watch Masterchef, and use up another Kleenex box. Love.