Terror.

I know I've been absent from this blog for a few months. I'm sorry. I've been so afraid and sick and terrified that anytime I sat down to write anything, I felt an overflow of emotions that wouldn't allow me to express myself articulately. And I'm still in that state, but I think I'm going to try to tell y'all what's up.
My health has gone into another nosedive. I've been terrified, feeling like I'm falling down a slippery slope to some uncertain fate.
I managed to start my internship with a local nonprofit that trains service dogs for veterans. Their name and the names of all veterans and details about that internship can not be discussed here, as I signed a privacy agreement. I had no problem signing that agreement, as I believe the people I work with deserve the privacy the paper asked me to protect. I will say that I think I've found my calling, and it is training service dogs for civilians. I will be re-directing any veteran that comes to me for a service dog to the nonprofit I am interning with, as they are the best at what they do. But I'm very excited to see what the future holds for me as it relates to dog training.
Now, back to health. Long story short, I'm seeing a bunch of specialists and they are testing me for many diseases. They don't think it is EDS anymore or, if I do have EDS, I have other things on top of that. I'm no longer just an Ehlers-Danlos "Zebra," and I'm just so scared. The main thing they think I probably have is Multiple Sclerosis. I had been doing some research on new and scary symptoms that were getting aggressively worse, and some of my EDS forums were talking about how MS was linked to EDS and how MS was the source of all of these symptoms that I realized I had. I researched MS myself, and was astonished how every single detail of MS seemed to line up with my symptoms. I approached my Internal Medicine Specialist with a new list of all my symptoms and told him I was worried about MS. I asked him to tell me if I was being a hypochondriac and that I just had EDS. He told me I was right to worry. My heart sank. He told me that my symptom list was textbook MS. We set up tests and specialists. He did some blood tests to rule out Lupus and RA, and they came back ruling out Lupus and RA. And now we wait. We wait for the horrible news.
Because either way, it will be horrible. If I am told I have MS, it is horrible. If I am told I don't, then I'm back where I was YET AGAIN where I have to fight for tests and diagnoses and some goddamn help.
If I had a dollar for the number of times I've broken down sobbing, telling my husband that I just want someone to help me, I'd have enough money to pay for all the alternative treatments I need to stay upright. I've been collapsed on the bedroom floor, sobbing and begging the powers that be for some form of help more than once in the past couple months.
So here I am, unable to write any sort of good blog post about current events, my dogs, my internship, TV, movies, music, or whatever else because I'm in a blind panic about what is happening inside my body.
So. That's me. How are you all?

Essential Oils and Natural Medicine

As I sit here typing this, I just finished a Med Bath. I'm able to walk around the house, do low-impact exercise, take care of a house and two dogs and a lizard, and go on dates with my husband. And while I have nasty symptoms still, I have come a long way in the year and a half since I discovered natural medicine. Let me tell you about it and then give you some information for if you're starting a natural medicine journey or need some ideas to re-start your journey.
In January of 2016, I was pulling out chunks of my hair regularly. I had daily horrific muscle spasms, fell often, and was in extreme pain. My body shut down and tried to reject my medications that I needed to live. I stayed on the basic meds, but was not able to take anything for the pain or nausea. My stomach also refused nearly all food, reducing me to eating nasty, unhealthy things just to keep a calorie count up. I existed on white bread, small amounts of cheese, occasional milk, and that's about it. Fruits and vegetables caused seizure-like episodes and blackouts followed by severe stomach cramps and frequent vomiting. My service dog Riley was working overtime and was getting worn out by the sheer magnitude of her duties. I was looking forward to a wedding (mine) in June and starting a new life with my husband in December. And here I was in January, unable to climb five stair steps without crying due to the pain. I was unable to work and had to move in with my parents while I waited to join my husband (we're military...there's a lot of waiting).
My mother sat me down and told me that I had to work while I was living with them. I was shocked until she told me what she meant. She told me that while I was living with them, she expected me to fight for my health and she was going to do everything she could to support me in that fight. She told me my job was to see as many doctors as I could and try as many things as I could while I had a safe place and people to look after me should something go wrong. With her unwavering support, I contacted my primary care doctor and demanded that I get referrals.
After several failed specialist visits, I got referred to a rheumatologist who remains one of the single greatest doctors I've seen. After doing a thorough exam during which he dislocated every joint in my body and put them back (much to Riley's disapproval) he told me quite frankly that I had the worst case he'd seen, there wasn't anything he could do for me, and that what I was going through was, and I quote, "a special kind of hell." I had loose joints and severely tight muscles. My entire body was convinced it was under attack all the time and was seizing up and refusing food and other outside things like medication because it perceived them as attacks. Any type of movement, even sitting up, was viewed by my body as a horrific event. He told me my body was in crisis and he didn't have any treatments that wouldn't make that worse. He then asked me how I felt about natural medicine.
I told him all the natural medicine I had tried was people telling me that yoga and prayer would fix me. He told me yoga is detrimental to people with my specific condition and that he wasn't talking about that kind of medicine. He set me up with an Integrative Medicine specialist at a local Cancer Institute. His honesty and referral are among the greatest gifts a doctor has ever given me.
I met with an Integrative Medicine Specialist who worked daily with people in severe pain with weak or no immune system. Bodies in crisis were her specialty. She was very honest with me and gave me a bunch of tips and inside information and recipes. I'll share her tips below. I began using Essential Oils, natural supplements, and massage therapy to help me get my health under control. Using what she taught me, I began what will be a lifelong journey to healing using natural medicine.

Information I got from the Integrative Medicine Specialist:
1. DO YOUR RESEARCH. Seriously. Research, research, research. NEVER take information you find on a website that sells you a product for fact unless you back it up with other research.
2. Just because a company says their oils are great, it doesn't mean they are. Again, do your research. You're looking for a 100% organic oil, but make sure it has a "certified" label. "Certified organic" or "certified therapeutic and/or medical grade" are what you're looking for. Young Living Essential Oils are fantastic for the average user, but not for someone who is looking to use them for purely medical benefits. (She didn't say anything about DoTerra, so do your research. And this was a year and a half ago and it is possible that YL has gotten medical/therapeutic grade oils since then. Refer to #1 on this list.) I personally use Wyndmere and oils I get from an apothecary in my current city. I'm lucky enough to have access to that apothecary. I did use some Aura Cacia oils for a bit, but found that their quality really varied from oil to oil and sometimes even bottle to bottle. If it's from Walmart or is a pre-packaged "bath," it's not medical grade.
3. Natural medicine cannot replace traditional medicine. Take your medications. Always.
4. Always consult your doctor before starting anything if you've got an underlying medical condition.
5. What works for one person may be harmful to another. Trial and error is the name of the game. And never take a full dose of anything to start. Start small always and work up.
6. Test oils on the inside of your forearm. Put a drop there and wait. If in fifteen minutes nothing has happened, you're probably good to use it (again, start with a small amount). If your skin swells up or turns red or a rash appears, that's a histamine reaction and you must wash off the oil immediately with cold water. Do not scrub or it will get worse. Discontinue use of the oil completely. If, like me, your body randomly rejects things one week and then not the next week, keep the oil around and test it again in a month or so.
7. Start slow. Start slow. START SLOW. If you find a recipe online or in a book or even from a doctor, cut it in half or even down to 25% and use that to see if you're going to be able to tolerate it.
8. Never start multiple treatments at the same time. Start with one thing, do it for a month, then maybe add another thing. The trick with natural medicine is to relax your body into healing. If you attack it with multiple things, it will see it as just that: an attack.
9. Start with aromatherapy. Then move on to topical treatments. Then go to the internal things like supplements, etc. Again, you're easing your body into a new way of behaving.
10. Try, try, try. It might get frustrating to buy something and then find out it doesn't work so it might be helpful to see if a friend wants to go in with you on buying oils or if they have some you can try in a small amount.
11. It will take months before you see any major benefits. The immediate effects (such as smelling peppermint for nausea) will be nice, but the major benefits of overall better health will take forever to show up.
12. Aromatherapy and all topical oils are like punching your brain in the face. You want your brain to react a certain way, so you smell or apply a certain thing. This one's confusing, so here's an example: You want your brain to stop sending you the signals that make you feel nauseous. You punch it in the face with extreme peppermint fumes. Your body says "OH GOOD HEAVENS WHAT IS THAT THING! THE ONLY WAY TO COMBAT IT IS TO STOP FEELING NAUSEOUS!" and shuts off the nausea signals. It's more scientific than that, but that's the basic idea. Another example would be using lemon for anti-inflammatory purposes. Your brain gets overloaded with the lemon and the lemon somehow tricks the brain into sending your body anti-inflammatory things. Thus, your body becomes less inflamed. Science.

And now things I have learned:
1. All of the above tips are essential (pun not intended) to the success of your treatment plan. Don't skip any of them.
2. Certain oils can sometimes "burn" the skin in high concentrations. It will start as a histamine reaction that will turn into welts that look like nasty burns on your skin. Always start with a heavily diluted concentration and work your way up slowly. If you think you've got too high a concentration of an oil by accident, it's better to throw your solution away (or drain the tub, etc.) than to suffer the oil burns. Been there, done that. Nasty stuff. Citrus oils are the most prone to do that.
3. Use a carrier oil for topical treatments. Carrier oils are what you dilute the essential oil in. Grapeseed, jojoba, coconut, and almond are the common ones. I like grapeseed because it's cheap and I'm not allergic to it. I personally don't use it in Med Baths, but others need it to dilute the oils in the bath.
4. So many oils can be used for so many different things. It's upsetting to try to find the right ones that work for you, but very rewarding when you do.
5. Different people swear by different carrier oil to essential oil ratios. It's basically a handful of carrier oil for every 3-5 drops of essential oils. Some people do more, some do less. It's what works for you and your skin and your body and doesn't harm you.

And now, a recipe for a Med Bath, straight from the Cancer Institute:

MED BATH
2-2 1/2 Cups of Epsom Salt
1/2 - 1 Cups of Baking Soda
5-15 Drops of Each Essential Oil (The type of oil depends on what you want the Med Bath for)
1/2 Cup of Sea Salt

Combine with water as hot as you can handle. Begin with only a five minute soak. Work your way (over several months) up to 15-30 minutes. Begin with only a few drops of oils. Work your way up to more.

(ALWAYS have a glass of ice water or even two handy, as you'll get dehydrated and feel awful after the bath. NEVER take a Med Bath when you are alone in the house, in case of fainting. NEVER take one before exercising or going somewhere. Plan to go to bed with plenty of water to drink afterwards. My healthy as a horse husband took a full strength one when he had a cold and was weak as a kitten for five hours afterwards.) (If you're getting sick, take one of the above baths every single day and your sickness will come on aggressively and then go away quickly, cutting your sick days down by over 30%. You'll be miserable for your sick days, but there will be less of them.)

If you just want a relaxing bath, 1 cup of Epsom Salt and add a carrier oil and use only 5-10 drops of Essential Oils. Or skip the Epsom Salt altogether. The Med Bath recipe above is only to be used by people who are sick (with a chronic illness) or are getting sick (like getting a cold or the flu).

Common Oils/Uses include:
 - Lemon for anti-inflammatory and anti-bacterial, useful if you've got a cold or are getting a cold
 - Cinnamon for congestion and sinus headaches
 - Lavender for calming properties (personally, I hate lavender. But you do you.)
 - Sweet Orange for anti-inflammatory and anti-bacterial
 - Peppermint for nausea or pain
 - Eucalyptus with Lemon and/or Peppermint for pain
 - Frankincense for pain, sinus headaches, congestion, basically everything
 - Myrrh for pain

My daily bath includes Ravensara, Copaiba, and Palmarosa for building collagen. Sometimes Peppermint or Frankincense is added in for pain. I add Vanilla and/or a bit of White Musk in it just because they make it more pleasant. I tinker with the intensity of the bath based on how I'm feeling and what I'm needing on any given day. You've got to find what works for you.


Hope you enjoyed my scattered yet informative post about my use of Essential Oils. Please comment below with tips and tricks and feel free to educate me on Young Living, DoTerra, or whatever brands you use. I'm always open to learning more!

Learning To Be Okay: Trauma and C-PTSD

TW: For me, just reading the following words will sometimes trigger episodes. But here are things that will be mentioned below: Emotional Abuse, Sexual Assault, Physical Abuse, Trauma, Religious Abuse, Medical Abuse, Demonology, Suicidal Thoughts and Actions 

Questions I get asked frequently: When you say C-PTSD, what do you mean? Surely you can't have had that many traumas, as most people only experience one horrific event or like a rapid succession of awful and then get PTSD, right? And how long have you been suicidal?

My childhood had several traumatic events that I refuse to discuss here as physical, emotional, and sexual abuse were involved and I quite frankly can't discuss it yet. My earliest memory of being suicidal is when I was 8 years old. I used to imagine a small chocolate lab puppy running along side the bus, sitting outside the classroom window, rolling in the grass outside my house, etc. When my brain couldn't process my emotions, I would look out windows and imagine that puppy there. When things got awful, I imagined running with that puppy. I began to daydream about following that puppy far away from where I was. At night, I dreamt of running after the puppy and the puppy leading me to the door to the Afterlife. In my dreams, I was always too afraid to open the door. Sometimes a wolf would chase me and the puppy to a dark, terrifying door and I would scoop the little guy up and run with him. The wolf would tell me that it was only a matter of time before he would get me and drag me into hell. I began to dream that the way to avoid the wolf was to either run or to slip into a natural death. At the ripe old age of 8, I began trying to hold my breath until I died. Nearly every single night. If I saw dark spots I'd stop, because I didn't want to end up at the dark door with the wolf. The several occasions that bright spots exploded before my eyes, indicating my successful journey to the bright door with the puppy, something happened such as a family member coming in my room to check on me or a loud noise that would scare me into breathing. After a few months of this, I decided it wasn't a good way to die and I'd have to find another way to get to the puppy and the bright door. I began to accept that I'd just have to wait for death to find me, as my attempts to find it didn't work. My physical and emotional abuse continued with new abusers replacing the old. Many events happened that made me desperate to find a way to escape.

When I was 10, I became obsessed with running away into oblivion. I didn't want to run to a place, just wanted to run until I was away from those who were hurting me. I tried to run away from school, but realized it was cold outside and I hadn't had a drink of water in a while. I went back inside to get my coat and a drink and was caught by the custodian, who I lied to and said I was looking for a dropped pencil. He escorted me back to class. I spent many days trying to see if I could open my locker quietly enough to get my coat out but as luck would have it, mine had a squeaky door. I knew I would be caught and get in trouble and I didn't want to get in trouble. I wanted to run away or die, not get in trouble, so I stayed in school. I noticed a small rip in a back fence in the schoolyard and slowly, over several months, made it Abby-sized. I slipped through it and ran away from school again later that year at the beginning of recess, but came back by the end because I realized I had no where to go and I had no plan. Another time I ran away from recess with a plan but was seen by a local mom who asked me what I was doing and I told her I was running an errand but was going back to school right then. She walked with me all the way back until the school was in sight and watched me slip back through the hole I had created in the back fence. She told the school about the hole and it was repaired by the next day. 

When I was 11, I suffered another severe traumatic event at the hands of my peers. It was a bullying session that went entirely too far. I found a book about a pre-teen who used cutting as a means to deal with her life. I hadn't considered violently taking my own life until I found that book. I went home and took a knife out of the kitchen drawer. I was contemplating whether to stab or slice my wrists when my mom came home from a shopping trip or meeting and I threw the knife in the drawer, ran to the bathroom and threw up. I then ran to my room and shook, sobbing as I realized there was no escape from my life and I was truly trapped in it. 

At 12 years old, I had a brief reprieve from all the awfulness as I found a love of fantasy novels and of writing stories about young girls like me with super powers destroying those who tried to hurt them and those they loved. That year was one of the best of my life. Anytime something upsetting happened, I slipped into my fantasy world where I was all-powerful and destroyed my abusers and sadness with the help of an army of cats or with space blasters or with my own amazing super powers. 

At 13, I ended up seeing demons in my room at night who I believed were responsible for my "bad thoughts" about myself. One evening, I crawled from my room to the mirror in my parents' room over and over again like some kind of possessed horror movie kid, sobbing and demanding to know why I couldn't just die. I remember curling up in the fetal position out of exhaustion and praying that the demons would go away. The shadows with eyes I had seen disappeared and I was able to get up. I didn't see them after that. I now know, from talking to psychiatrists and psychologists, that I was suffering from PTSD-fueled hallucinations and that I had been in the throes of a severe depressive episode and that the demons leaving was due to my brain finally kicking into life-saving mode and repressing the memories that had been haunting me. 

At 15, I had my first homicidal stalker. He was a friend who became upset when I did not want to date him. He sent me letters detailing how he was going to kill me and what he was going to do to my dead body. I got a brief reprieve when he went to college and found a girl who looks exactly like me. He was kicked out of college for stalking her and sending her death and rape threats. He then returned to his parents' house and proceeded to e-mail me regularly and call me when he knew my parents were not home. He continued with this throughout my college years and indeed was still taking his car and following me around my hometown occasionally right up until I got married. 

At 16, I helped a guy friend get over a break-up and he became obsessed with me and would threaten to kill himself if I didn't talk to him, hang out with him, etc. I finally drew the line when he asked for sex and sent me a picture of himself with a gun to his head when I refused. I called the police on him and refused to give my name. He got help, but I remained horrified by the whole thing. 

At 17, a boy told me he loved me and asked me to sleep with him. I told him I wasn't ready and he went and had sex with other women and blamed me for it. 

At 19, I was sexually assaulted by a boy I thought was my friend. He proceeded to try to kill me with his car, stalk me for four years, and show up in my college town my junior (or was it senior?) year to try to run me over with a brand new car and then he came to my campus and stood in the middle of it with a gun in his pocket, asking random college students if they knew where I lived. A friend of his called me and told me to hide, as this boy had expressed to this friend that he was going to "finish what he started" with me as he hadn't "tried hard enough" before. 

At 20, a young man became obsessed with me and it wasn't until he was deep in a psychotic breakdown that I found out how dangerous he was. I'll leave it at that. 

At 23, I underwent what was supposed to be a routine surgery to correct a malformation in my skull. It turned into seven horrific surgeries. I technically died four separate times and I have seen the afterlife three times. It was after this that my coping skills completely failed. I became actively suicidal during and after my recovery. Meeting my service dog Riley saved my life. She is the reason I am still here today. 

After meeting her, I met my husband. Together they are helping me heal. Jeph now also alerts to attacks and is learning to lick me and take care of me when I cry.

Add all the above to years of being sick and not believed, medicated incorrectly, and treated like a pariah by the medical community and you've got one hell of a cocktail.

TL;DR: When I say I have C-PTSD, it means I cannot point to a specific time in my life or specific traumas that led to my PTSD. I've been suicidal since childhood.

Other FAQS:

Is your husband an abuser? HELL NO. He is the best thing that has EVER happened to me.

Who were those peers when you were 11? Can you tell us more about that event? I won't go into it because it isn't healthy for me to purposely re-live it when my brain is more than capable of putting me back there at any time in my mind. As for those peers, they've grown into kind, excellent men who have spouses and kids of their own. They've each, at one time or another, approached me and, horrified at their own actions, apologized and begged for forgiveness. Some have approached me more than once because they couldn't forgive themselves. Even though the trauma from what they've done echoes in my brain and will forever, I've forgiven them in my heart and refuse to disclose who they are because we've all moved on.

What happened before age 8? I can't talk about that. If I ever can, I'll let y'all know.

I'd love to hear more specific examples of your traumas between birth and age 14. Sorry, not going to go into that here. 

What kinds of abuse have you suffered? Physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. 

Do you believe in repressed memories? There are several instances that are so bad that I only remember the before and after and who was involved and my brain refuses to let me remember the actual event. When you're hurt, your brain does everything it can for self-preservation and sometimes, particularly for the ones that happened when I was young, it blocks the conscious mind's access to them to avoid experiencing that hurt again in detail. 

WOAH YOU SAW THE AFTERLIFE OMG TELL ME ABOUT IT DID YOU SEE LIGHTS AND STUFF?? I appreciate your interest, but please respect my need to not talk about it. It took months for me to be able to admit out loud that I'd seen anything when I died and I still haven't talked to anyone about it and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to. 

How did 1 surgery turn into 7? My surgeon tells me it was because he was pre-occupied with wedding details for his upcoming wedding and he thinks that excuses his shoddy work on my fucking skull and that it excuses him doing things like losing a surgical instrument in my body, making unnecessary holes in my skull, bruising my brain by shooting a dart backwards through my head instead of the way he meant to, sending me home with fluid leaking out of my brain and my brain in danger of falling into my spinal column because he was busy, and authorizing a surgery without anesthesia because he read the form incorrectly. And no, I can't sue him because I had to sign forms saying I wouldn't in order to get the repairs I needed to live. 

Jeph Has Titled This Post: aAwwssde43333wea

Hey all. Time to read about my life again!
I'm on track to graduating with honors! I've gotten A's on every assignment so far and I'm beyond proud of myself. I've been working ahead when I can and letting myself take breaks during my flare days. I'm about a month ahead after I finish the section I'm currently working on. I've had several flares, but because my time management skills have been A+, I've been able to completely take that time off and just rest and recover and let myself breathe.
I've decided I'd like to become a Canine Good Citizen Test Evaluator. First, I need to work for two years with many different breeds and many dogs and then take an extra course through the American Kennel Club. In order to become a Therapy dog, dogs must pass the CGC test and in many programs, service dog candidates must pass this test as well. I think it's a good way to get involved with those communities while I save up money and time to do Service Dog Trainer courses and decide which organizations to look into.
I've been using what I am learning with Baby Jeph and he is responding incredibly well to it. I am very proud of the little guy and Ray is bursting with pride over both of us.
My sweet Riley started feeling ill a few weeks ago and I noticed almost immediately that something was wrong. She was growling at Jeph and sleeping all the time. She was also very reluctant to turn left and seemed to be almost hopping at times. We took her to the vet and my suspicions were confirmed. My little girl is starting to have hip dysplasia issues with her left hip. A surprise was that she also has a torn ACL in her right knee. She's on strict rest and no working for a few weeks while the knee heals and then joint supplements for life for her hips. Her right hip was a little swollen, but the left one has started deteriorating. Because of this, I feel like Jeph's training needs to take an even faster track. I'm not sure how long Riley will be able to work and I want to be able to go places with a Service Dog, as it does make a world of difference for me. It's honestly breaking my heart because I can't verbally explain to Riley that she gets to take it easy. She thinks I'm being unsafe in leaving her and asking her to rest instead of work. The looks she gives me are hurting my soul. She's honestly saved my life many times and I wish I could explain to her that I'm trying to return the favor. The good news is that the joint supplements have helped already and she's a much happier little girl.
I have a billion and one appointments with specialists coming up in the next month. Currently, I've finally found a muscle relaxer that helps me. It puts me to sleep, but I've been healing because of it. My new Internal Medicine specialist is absolutely fantastic and a dream come true. He found the muscle relaxer for me and has been attentive to all my needs and answered my many questions and phone messages promptly. He's also fought with my insurance company on my behalf...and won. Multiple times. He's my primary care doctor now so I'm in very, very good hands.
Speaking of that, my husband remains amazing. As if there was ever any doubt of that. He's always taking care of me and our fur kids (and now also our scaly lizard kid, Krit). I'm even more in love with him now than I was when I first fell for him, and even more now than our wedding day.
I let Jeph title this post. He did so by hitting the keyboard with his paw and dropping his Kong on it. Inspiring. Maybe I'll start him his own blog.

So Many Adventures

So this blog is entitled "The Grand Adventures of Abby" and it's funny because I've been too busy having grand adventures to write a blog post for the blog about my grand adventures.

I went to a Korn/Stone Sour concert. It was a religious experience. Absolutely phenomenal. I had chills, tears, I felt like I was floating, and I stared at the hazy sky above the outdoor stage, saying "Thank you," internally over and over again.

Husband and I keep making it a point to find new places to eat. We tried Rebel Donut, the donut shop that invented a donut based on the meth made in Breaking Bad, and it was delightful. I had one with black frosting and my teeth and tongue were dyed an inky tone for several hours. I regretted nothing. We also went to a local pizzeria which has been featured in many magazines and TV shows and it was lovely. The people obviously cared about their food and we dined by a signed autograph by a young Tom Selleck.

We also experienced our city's fair. It was...pretty bad, actually. Really underwhelming and all the rides were overpriced. But we enjoyed the free circus (which was abysmally small but still fun).
I took my husband on a one-night getaway because this month is our wedding anniversary. And also because we really needed it. We had a lovely time at an adorable hotel that had a water park connected to it.

The dogs were boarded together for that one night at our favorite boarding kennel. They've taken care of Jeph since he was a wee pup. I was so scared to board Riley, as she's never spent a night away from me since I got her. But every nervous phone call to the boarders confirmed that the two of them were having the time of their little lives. And when we picked them up, we noticed that they'd worked through some of their issues. Jeph no longer bites Riley under her face and she knows how to tell him to go away when she wants to sleep. Riley's gotten a bit more needy, but we expected that.

Another reason my baby girl is needy is because we added yet another member to our family. Kritopher "Krit" Wignarajah is a baby bearded dragon, just out of the egg. The name "Krit" is from a really terrible romance novel I read when my husband and I were first dating. We agreed it was the stupidest name we'd ever heard, and decided one day we'd have a pet with that name. Krit's been with us for just a few short weeks and already has established dominance over both dogs and eaten over 100 small crickets. He likes to sleep on my shoulder. Bearded dragons have the cutest tiny snores! We got him because we wanted a low maintenance pet that could keep me company while I studied but that I wouldn't have to play with and get distracted by. We thought about fish, but I honestly hate fish in tanks and bowls. It gives me anxiety to think of them trapped in that tiny enclosure and internally screaming their whole lives. But Krit does not internally scream. He internally judges everything we do. He thinks he is the king and everyone else is beneath him. The looks he gives us are hysterical!

Jeph is learning really quickly now. He sleeps at the bottom of our bed now, but sometimes he needs to go back to his kennel because he gets too rambunctious at strange hours. He is almost 90% loose-leash trained, but is afraid of cars, motorcycles, weed-wackers, lawn mowers, small children, and the occasional smell he can't identify. He's slowly becoming a "good boy," and we couldn't be more proud!

I'm so afraid of failing at this school thing. I can't seem to focus the way I could pre-brain surgeries. And I can only take notes for fifteen minutes at a time. It's frustrating, but hopefully I'll figure it out.
I'm a little scared because I had crawled my way out of that awful depressive PTSD trauma episode and today I suddenly felt...like I was in a dark tunnel and it was closing in on me. I actually said, "No, no no!" out loud. I feel like I am teetering on the edge of this nasty cliff after finally making it back up to the top. To try to help with this, my husband suggested I take tonight off from studying. Hopefully some extra rest will help. I am worried. I cannot afford to not be able to do my school work due to another crippling episode.

Love to you all. Stay safe. Stay here. I care about you.

A New Adventure Begins

I am officially enrolled in a program that, when I complete it, will let me obtain my Dog Trainer License. That's right, folks. I'm turning my hobby into a profession. My love for dogs is going to carry me through these intense classes and into a career I can tell I'm going to enjoy.
Not going to lie, this program scares me a bit. I wasn't at all worried about it until I looked over the material. This is definitely an in-depth program that is designed to ensure only the absolute best reach the end and graduate with their license. I really want to be a part of that elite.

My husband took me to buy school supplies. I've always forced myself to buy practical supplies, but this time I let myself indulge a bit. I do have normal pens, pencils, and erasers, but I also have a glittery zebra binder, a glossy pink folder, a shimmery planner, and a pretty golden notebook. My fellow EDS-ers can appreciate the zebra binder. It's mint green with glittery gold zebras.

Once I finish my book learning portion, I get to work with shelter dogs as part of the school's outreach program. I'm going to work with the dogs who really need it with the goal of getting them adopted. Both of my fur babies were shelter dogs, so I am ecstatic over this opportunity to help other doggos find forever families. I will then get to shadow a mentor and eventually teach classes under their supervision.

Those of you who know me know that I have a tendency to rank academics as #1 in my life. This means I will sacrifice sleep, food, family, friends, health, love, everything and anything for the grade. And not just any grade, the top grade. The one thing I have been scared about is that this program will ignite that toxic part of my brain/personality and that this toxicity will take over my life as it had for so many years. I am determined to not let that happen. Part of that is that I could start studying tonight, but I am forcing myself to wait until tomorrow. I went ahead and looked over the material, but then made myself log out of the online Student Center and I'm blogging and watching America's Got Talent and World of Dance (Fik-shun is a contestant and not a judge?? What is this??) and playing with my dogs. I also made myself stop and eat supper when I realized that I was so absorbed in looking over the material that I was ignoring my stomach pains. Many people don't realize that my GPA was my life for so many years that when I graduated college, I didn't know how to define myself anymore. I didn't know how to measure my success. It took years to get over this awful way of viewing my life, and I'm still not entirely over it. I don't think I ever will be. But I do know that being aware of it means I can make conscious efforts to not let this toxic mindset back into the driver's seat of my life. I will complete this course and I will graduate. I am determined. But I am equally determined that this will not be at the expense of my life, health, and happiness.

My baby Jeph is my "project" dog. I get to take videos of our training sessions, proving I can apply the lessons I'm learning to a real-life canine. Mr. Jeph is unsure as to how he feels about this. He'd rather climb on the kitchen counters and explore trash cans. But he will learn. He's a smart little guy.

To summarize: I'm so excited and so intimidated and so ready. Bring on the pups!

The Porch Theory

Y'all, I had a dream two nights ago and I just can't stop thinking about it. This dream has radically changed how I think about my life. I woke up today thinking about it again and it's been three hours and I can't sleep or stop thinking about it so I think I'll share. Bear with me as dreams are weird and hazy and confusing, but hopefully you can follow along.

In my dream, I had a session with a famous therapist. Famous therapist's name was Sally or Susan or something like that. My brain isn't super original when it comes to names. Anyways, I was in her office with my husband and I was crying and telling her all about my life and talking about how nothing I'm doing seems to be working. She nodded gravely and told me it was because all I was doing was re-painting my porch. Stay with me, guys. This is where shit gets real. I was like, "This sounds like another mindfulness exercise that isn't going to help," and she told me that those exercises helped you recognize the chips in your porch paint and the other general wear and tear. What the heck, right? She gave me a workbook and told me I needed to do the homework before she saw me again the next day. In my dream, I went home and grumbled about having to do some more pointless analogy therapy that ultimately would do nothing for me. I then opened the workbook and what was in there was fascinating.
The Porch Theory is this idea that your life is built like a porch. (I need to add here that I am not a carpenter, have built stage set pieces, and am fully aware that what follows is not actually a good way to build a porch.) There is a poured foundation made of concrete. On top are four main support beams. Covering those are the long pieces of wood that make up the porch. Then comes the stain/paint and the decorations. Each part of the porch represents something different. The foundation is what your every action stems from. This is the root cause of everything you do. Then the foundation beams are the four main focuses your brain has. The long pieces of wood are your values that stem from those main focuses (which are influenced by the foundation). And then comes the paint/stain, which is the actions that you do and your outward symptoms, caused by the values which stem from the focuses that are influenced by the foundation.
In my dream, I did two written exercises. The first was to analyze my life starting from the paint and working my way back to the foundation. Then I labeled a diagram of my current "porch" with what I had written. This exercise took a long time, even in dream world. I ended up skipping around to the different parts of the "porch" as I tried to make sense of everything. The end result was me staring at this "porch," feeling as though I had been laid bare onto paper. My paint, the outward manifestation of my inward life, included like "people pleaser," "excessive apologizing," "panic and anxiety attacks," "sobbing," "anger towards my health," "shame over needing mobility devices, medications, etc," and "going to countless doctor appointments even though I know this doctor isn't the one for me." I could go on, but you get the point. The long pieces of wood, the values, were things like "religion," "putting family and friends above health," "getting the highest education possible," "being the best," "keeping a clean house at all costs," "forcing my body to stay healthy as much as possible," and "working a good job". The four main support beams were "Not wanting to be abandoned," "Not wanting anyone to regret being around me," "Not wanting to be a burden," and "Thinking everyone else deserves more/better than I do."   My foundation was Fear and Worthlessness.
After I did this exercise, I found myself back in the dream therapist's office, sobbing and holding my husband's hands as I told her all about my porch. What could I do? This seemed like a horrible life I'd created for myself, and I felt hopeless about it.
She told me that yes, this is a terrible porch. It is, at its foundation, flawed. She told me that I couldn't expect a beautiful life when my thinking was all stemming from places of fear and worthlessness the same way that I shouldn't expect a porch with a nasty, cracked foundation and rotting wood to be an amazing place to have lemonade and iced tea during the summer with my husband. She told me it wasn't my fault that my porch is shit. She jokingly told me that with the life I've lived, she was surprised the whole damn house hadn't fallen apart. I couldn't stop crying. She got down on my level, looked me in the eyes and quietly asked me if I was ready for a new porch. I told her yes, but how the hell do I do that? She nodded solemnly and said, "Renovations."
She then had me do the second exercise in the workbook. The second exercise was, "Describe your dream porch (aka ideal life/values/etc.). My dream porch's outward appearance were things like "singing in the shower again," and "smiling," and "enjoying time with friends," and "happiness," and "baking" and "painting". My porch boards, my values, were made up of "Living in the moment," "Gratefulness," "Finding contentment," "Loving friends," "Relationship with husband," and others I can't remember right now. The four beams were "mental health," "healthy marriage," "physical health," and "hope." And the foundation? It was Self Love.
Sounds great, right? But how to get there? SallySusan the Dream Therapist was a little hazy on this one, but told me that every time I am having an outward symptom or thought that echoes the nasty porch, to think of the ideal porch and try to follow along with what I think that would look like. For example, if I find myself crying over how messy the house is, I should take a step back and realize that this comes from that gross foundation. I can then try to remind myself of how I want to be thinking. AKA, "Yes, the house is messy but it actually isn't hurting anyone and hey, isn't it great that husband and I have been resting and going places and having fun and yeah, we haven't had time to clean the house but look at all we've done this week!" or "Yes, the house is messy but it actually isn't hurting anyone and if it is, I can ask husband for help because I don't have to do it all by myself and it isn't horrible to ask him to help and we could play music and it could actually be fun!" or "Yes, the house is messy but no, you haven't 'done nothing' all week, you've taken all your pills on time and rested your joints and remember that one time you pet your dog? That was pretty awesome! And it's okay to focus on your health. Remember those beams on your dream porch? It's okay." She told me that I was going to need to go right down to the foundation and change it and then the other changes would follow.
My dream therapist told me that this was going to be nasty, messy work. She told me to think of it like any renovation. There will be setbacks. She told me that any time I experience a setback while working toward this "new porch" and feel like I'll never get there, to just think of it as a construction issue and forgive myself. There might be termites living in the wood of the porch, waiting to be exposed. The renovation crew might take unexpected holidays and leave me with a shattered mess to work around for weeks. Maybe there's some electrical wiring that needs to be replaced. Perhaps we'll get the porch built and realize that the foundation was never actually touched, the crew just said they did it and we have to tear the whole thing apart again. She told me that just as re-making a foundation for a house or porch is ridiculously hard and irritating, re-making a foundation for my life will be, too. And just like porches continually need weather-proofing, the occasional board replacement, re-painting, and other regular maintenance, keeping myself healthy will require constant work. But she told me to look forward to the days when I can sit out on a nice porch, sipping iced tea on a lounger next to my husband and watching the sunset.

Although it was a dream, I'm going to follow along with the Porch Theory and see if it works. Feel free to join me. If you'd like, you can share your own "Dream Porch" with me in the comments or on my Facebook page, Instagram, or Twitter.

Clouds

The clouds are slowly parting. It's been several days since my last sobbing breakdown. I have appointments with doctors to see what is going on with my neck and spine. We're not sure if there's an issue there that needs to be addressed, or if this level of pain is my new normal. I get about 8 hours of awake time, and I can walk around and do things for about an hour total a day. The 8 hours are broken up into a five hour segment and a three hour segment, approximately. I sleep for the other 16 hours. And I'm "resting" for seven out of the eight hours. Sometimes I can "rest" sitting up, watching TV or reading a book. Those are good days. Other times, I need to be in bed, flat on my back, willing my neck muscles to relax, completely drugged on anti-nausea and other such meds. Because my husband works the night shift, I'm awake from around 10 PM until 1 AM (give or take a few hours either way). Then I sleep until he comes home and I'm awake from 8 or 9 AM until somewhere between noon and two. It isn't a totally strict schedule yet, and the dogs are having some issues adjusting to this new "sleeping while it is light out in the afternoon" schedule. Also, I keep having to erase whole sentences of this post because a very eager Jeph seems to want to blog by hitting the keyboard with his paws. I think he thinks I'm playing with a toy and he wants to play, too! One of these posts, I'll have to let him guest post.
Part of the clouds parting is that after a sobbing fit, I fell asleep for 19 hours and missed some doses of a medication that I'd been put on a couple of weeks prior to my meltdown. When I woke up, I felt like myself. It was like a fog of awful had been lifted. I thought perhaps it was exhaustion, but it turns out that particular medication was making me worse. I stopped taking it under close supervision by my husband. Finally, I'm starting to be able to calm my brain and heal. I've been able to begin to convince my brain that it is safe here again.
I am now finally able to look at my mental health care objectively and realize that I am not currently receiving the care that is best for me. I'm starting the process of making a change to a different care team. The person who has been diagnosing me and prescribing medications for me is not an actual Psychiatrist. She is a Licensed Nurse Practitioner who works alongside the Psychiatrists at the mental health clinic. Nothing against Licensed Nurse Practitioners, but I need a Psychiatrist. She even has continually admitted that she has no idea what she's doing with me and is stumped by me. And I've found out that the medication that I've stopped wasn't even for any of the symptoms I've been experiencing. Also, the Psychologist that I've been seeing also told me this past week that she has no idea what to do with me going forward and that my symptoms are severe enough that they are out of her realm of expertise. So here we go, trying to get a new care team.
I had a three hour long, several phone call evaluation from my insurance. They're trying to get me enrolled in their Case Management program so that I can have someone working with me side by side to get all the specialists and referrals and help that I need. It was quite a depressing evaluation, as I had to go through all my symptoms and all my different systems and explain how and where and why they are failing. But after the phone call, I suddenly felt strangely empowered. No wonder I'm breaking down! No wonder I sleep 16 hours a day! No wonder I need a wheelchair! No wonder I can't do what everyone else can! Look at everything I deal with on a daily basis! Look at all I manage to do in spite of this! Look at how I can still drink water, take the dogs out, change the laundry, keep up with personal hygiene, and more. Sometimes, I can even make myself sandwiches or heat up leftovers. And you know, I'm going to go back to being proud of that. I'm going to work on being proud of myself again.
And speaking of being proud, I just looked up from my screen and my dogs are so proud of themselves because they found a rip in an old dog bed and have scattered the stuffing all over the living room floor. They are so happy destroying their bed. I hope they'll continue to be happy with they realize that they are responsible for that bed getting thrown in the trash.
Until next time, friends. Stay safe,

Everything Is Grey

I'm in the midst of the worst mental health breakdown I have ever experienced. I say this honestly. I say this not to solicit sympathy or pity. I say it because I think that honesty goes a long way with those of you who have come here to read about my life. I do not have an Instagram-perfect life. (If you follow me on Instagram, you know everything is heavily filtered and mostly is pictures of my dogs). I'm not one of those military wives who writes about attending military balls and taking advantage of all the opportunities that military life has to offer. I have zero things against those types of military wives. Sometimes I wish I was one of them. I envy them and their ability to wake up and get out of bed and walk more than a block without having to sit or ride in a wheelchair. I admire their ability to cook for their families, decorate for holidays, keep their kids dressed and alive and healthy, etc. In contrast, today I brushed my hair for the first time in seven days. I'm not joking when I say that this was a monumental task. Talk about knots. It was pretty gross. Thankfully, I had the presence of mind to use a lot of conditioner and a hair mask before attempting to unsnarl the mass that my ponytail had become.
My Psychiatrist told me that I need to treat this like the flu. Lots of fluids, lots of rest, watch a lot of movies and TV, and be nice to my body. I bought a bunch of food that I usually love, because otherwise I can't attempt myself to swallow even one bite. My poor anxious stomach can't handle the idea of a full plate or even a half-full bowl of cereal. I've dropped at least five pounds in the past few days and it's not a good kind of weight loss. I've slept for over eighteen hours a day every day and I'm still so exhausted that my entire body is pretty much constantly shaking and I'm seeing double.
I won't go into what is going on in my brain simply because it is too triggering to me and to others who have similar issues. Let's just say it is hell and leave it at that.
I'm safe. I have 24/7 monitoring and I have to show my husband my pills and show him me taking those pills and I have an action plan and lots of resources when I need them. I say when, not if, because I 1000% need them. Believe me, this is not an "if" time.
My Psychiatrist also told me that I'm actively going through new trauma right now. I also looked up my medications and they're medicating me pretty heavily, apparently. It seems as though the combo that I'm on is used to treat some real nasty things. She looked at my eyes and saw me losing my mind sobbing and told me I need to get into intensive treatment as soon as possible. She called my insurance company and is working with them to get me into a Partial Hospitalization Program and a DBT program. She helped me set up the safety plan and the action plan and if those fail, she told me she wants me in the hospital. Right now they seem to be working okay, so that's nice I guess.
We had people over for a barbecue and it was actually really nice. Lots of laughter. I felt like I was playing the part of a happy person, but even that was nice. It forced me to take a shower and put on real clothes and talk to people. I didn't have any energy to do makeup or care about outfits or anything, but it was still good for me to try to interact with normal humans. It was exhausting, and I'll probably be more "sick" tomorrow, but I still think it was good for me. And it was definitely good for my husband to laugh and grill and tease and eat with his friends. He's been so steady and supportive this week, and it was comforting to see him let go and have a good time.
I'm wearing my new PTSD bracelet constantly. A local first responder makes these bracelets as a way of coping with his PTSD and as a helpful tool for the PTSD community. The beaded bracelet has a bunch of normal beads and one skull bead. The skull bead represents the trauma. The rest of the beads represent blessings. You're supposed to go around the bracelet, naming all the blessings in your life with each normal bead and reflecting on the trauma in order to let it go when you reach the skull bead. It's actually a rather helpful visual, as it is obvious that the skull bead is hopelessly outnumbered by the blessings beads. Even though it is horrifically difficult for me to name blessings right now, the act of forcing my brain to try to think of positive things is healing.
I'm not sure when I'll be writing another post. Thank you all for bearing with me with the sporadic posting of the past few months. I'm afraid I can't be certain of when I will have the energy to write again. Hopefully this nastiness passes soon, but everyone is warning me that it can last for a month or more. I think I'll run out of shows to binge-watch by then. Stay safe, friends. I'm off to hide under a blanket, watch Masterchef, and use up another Kleenex box. Love.

I'M A PUBLISHED AUTHOR (and other news)

You guys! I am a published author! I'm an official contributor to The Mighty! And I'm currently on the front page as a Featured Story. I'm over the moon, dancing on air, etc. etc. Read the story here and give me a like and maybe a comment if you like it. I wouldn't hate it if you share the article with your friends, either.

My parents are coming for a visit this week and I'm very excited to share my home and my city with them. My husband and I have come up with a list of mini adventures to take them on. We'll try to take some pictures for you all, but we'll more likely be too busy enjoying the moment to capture it on camera.

I currently have a cold, muscle spasms, and viral pink eye in both eyes accompanied by a sore throat. I went to the ER last week for two IV bags of fluid, as my body wasn't processing the water I was putting in it and I was severely dehydrated. I ended up in the ER for the second time in two weeks with a left eye so swollen I couldn't see. We met with an amazing doctor and he gave me eye drops that already have reduced the swelling almost completely. I do enjoy medicine when it works well. My husband has told me that this is my body's way of making me take the rest that it needs. He has been urging me to take days off for weeks, and now I am forced to rest and sleep and not touch anything, as the infection is incredibly contagious and I have two dogs and a husband I could infect if I am not careful. I'm actually grateful for this, in a weird way. I cannot get the manic side of me to let me rest unless I have no choice. And now I have no choice. Take that, manic tendencies!

I wish you all could have the joy of watching baby Jeph discover the wonder of squeaky chew toys. He loves to cuddle with them. He loves to chew them. He loves to lick them. He loves to roll around on top of them on the ground. He loves to fight over them with Riley. As I type this, I am slowly going deaf from an extremely happy pup chewing on his orange plastic squeaky bone on the couch next to me.

Mr. Jeph is learning very quickly. And I'm learning how to work with him more effectively. He needs a very different type of training approach than Riley did. He is full of energy and eager to please. And, bonus points, he is very food motivated! He will do whatever it takes to get that training treat. But since he is a puppy, sometimes he thinks that whatever it takes to get that training treat means attacking the hand with the treat in it, barking at the hand with the treat, rolling around on the floor, and various other adorable antics. It is hard to not get frustrated with him at times. But, just like a human student, if an approach isn't working, the teacher should try a different approach. He has learned "Sit," "Wait," "No Voice (a variation of "Quiet"), "With Me (a variation of "Heel"), "Leave It," and is starting to understand "Lie Down." He also knows to wait quietly for me to take his leash off when we come home from a walk or the dog park. He knows to sit and wait for his food at mealtimes. He understands the humans do not like being chewed on. He is beginning to understand Bedtime, and even voluntarily goes to his kennel when he is tired. He has made great strides with his confidence around other dogs. He no longer pees on me when he sees another canine, but he does take refuge between my feet when overwhelmed. He has been to the mall, an auto parts store, and a grocery store. He is also beginning to get wheelchair trained, as my new ride Priscilla (my manual wheelchair) will be a permanent fixture in our house now. And the accidents have nearly disappeared! After such a long time, I think it is safe to say that our potty training problem might be nearly solved. Jeph does keep having small accidents when he is asleep, as his body completely relaxes and he leaks. But overall, we are making strides and we will get to our goals eventually.

For months, my husband has been talking to me about me finding a hobby I can do. My old hobbies are not available to me with my current health state. He has also drawn out of me my love for Barbies. I used to be an avid collector. I had hundreds of Barbies, Skippers, Stacies, Kellys, and all their houses, zoos, doctors offices, animals, farms, cars, basically anything I could get my hands on. I would spend hours staging the houses with little utensils and plates perfectly placed on the dining table, the rubber ducks sitting on the side of the Barbie tub, and the living room arranged for maximum entertaining potential. I also loved creating outfits out of scraps of fabric, paper, yarn, anything I could find. For Easter, my husband surprised me with four Barbies from the new Fashionistas line! This is the line with four body types! They are: the original Barbie proportions, a "curvy" doll, a "petite" doll, and a "tall" doll. I'm just so excited because these Barbies are really amazing and their proportions are true to life! And just like that, my new hobby became clear. I'm going back to my old hobby with a twist. I'm going to be creating doll clothes for these new real-life-proportions Barbies! I'm just absolutely in love with the idea of creating fashion for these little dolls with my own hands. And I'm marathoning Project Runway for inspiration. And who knows, if I get good enough, I could sell some. But the point of the hobby isn't to make money, it's to have fun. And I'm so ready to have fun!

I think that this is all the updates for tonight. I'm off to take a nap and take some more virus medication. Love to you all!

5 Things About My Husband

We've been moved to a crazy different sleep/work schedule and I don't know if we are having a harder time or if the dogs are because they're so confused. This makes me an official NightBlogger, part of the elite team that posts things in the wee hours of the morning and makes sleep-deprived, caffeine-inspired conspiracy theories and whatnot. (Please send help we are so tired omg). 

Because of how I'm trying to flip my pill and sleep schedule all around, I'm cancelling my upcoming colonoscopy. I'm already dehydrated and malnutritioned from my tired tummy refusing food at the strange hours I offer it. I can't be fasting and going without water for hours or I'll end up in an ER and I tend to not enjoy doing that when I don't have to. 

There are things I've been thinking about lately, and most of those things are why my husband is so great. The following are some of those reasons. 

1. He Is Kind 

My husband is kind to everyone he meets unless they give him a reason not to be. I started falling for him on our second date when he spoke to a cashier as if they were old friends. I watched in awe as my husband quickly turned this stone-cold, surly older gentleman into a warm, laughing, smiling individual. I couldn't believe it when my husband told me they'd never met and that he talks to everyone like that. But he does. His favorite go-to phrase is, "Don't worry about it!" And he uses it liberally to calm everyone from the guy who bumps into him in an elevator to the apologetic mother trying to contain a screaming, kicking child. 

2. He Is Giving

Are we going out to dinner with you? Do you think you're going to be paying? No, you most certainly will not be. My husband feels a need to take care of his friends. That means everything from paying for dinners to opening up our home and lending our couch out for a day here and there. My husband does this with no expectation that there will be a return. He never brings up things he's done as reasons why people should "owe" him. 

3. He Is Supportive 

As a Chronic and Mental Illness Warrior, I get exhausted and burnt out very easily. It is natural for me to lose hope and faith in myself. My husband is my biggest supporter. Anytime I feel like I can't do this anymore, he is there to hold me and to let me cry and to tell me that he has never lost faith in me and never will. He says some of the most beautiful things that then replay over and over again in my brain, feeding the positive side of my brain. Without him, I don't know where I would be. 

4. He Is Hilarious 

Bad puns, dad jokes, memes, teasing, and more. We laugh all the time! He has told me more than once, "I live to see that smile." And he does. If I am hurt, anxious, crying, nearly passing out from pain, or just feeling "off," I can count on him to crack jokes and show me funny videos until I smile. Our dogs both have hilarious thoughts, feelings, and voices thanks to him. He will pick up our puppy and hide behind the little guy's head and chase me around the house as "Jeph," making me laugh so hard I can hardly stand up. It is such a wonderful quality. 

5. He Is Safe

Need someone to walk through a dark alley with? Did your car break down and you need to call someone to help? Is it late and you need a Designated Driver? Is someone upsetting you and you need a stranger to step in and give you an out? Are you going to a party where you know no one and need someone safe to hang out with? My husband is your person. He is the straight guy that most women hope exists. He is safe. Before he met me, when he talked to a girl and she wasn't interested, he walked away and didn't hold it against her. He had many girls that were friends and there was no sexual tension between them because they'd been clear that they want to be friends with him and he'd been okay with that and protected them from creepy people at bars.

My husband is my actual favorite person. I hope you find your version of my husband and can live happily with that person for the rest of your life. I certainly intend to have years of happiness with this lovely man who inspires me to do better and be better every day.

So Many Updates

So it's been a hot minute since I've written a post. I know you've all been anxiously waiting for an update on my life and, more importantly, the lives of my fluffy children. So here it is.

If you're following me on Instagram, you know that baby Jeph has begun having Service Dog Training outings.

As you can see, he is overjoyed to be following in his big sister's footsteps! When I take them places together, he copies her behavior. When he's by himself, he's not quite sure of what to do, but he still tries very hard. 

Check out those ridiculously adorable eyes!

Riley is enjoying her new job as the Good Example, as well as her time off for naps. She does not quite like to wake up from said naps...

My favorite thing is the look of utter betrayal on her usually sweet and happy face when she realizes that she's been woken up for a picture. She's like, "Human, why? Human stahp." 

I've been not writing posts because I got some news that I actually need a wheelchair permanently. I need a mechanical one. We're getting a manual wheelchair for travelling, but the doctor wants me to have an electric one to get around the house. It is a hard thing to wrap one's mind around, and I've written and discarded many a blog post about this news and my feelings on said news. I've come to the conclusion that it honestly really sucks to have mobility taken away, but a wheelchair is so that this declining mobility doesn't stop me from getting around. A wheelchair is a helper and a friend, even though the stigma of having one still exists. And what would I rather do: continue falling and crawling on the floor and having my husband have to walk me around the house or zip around on wheels and take the dogs on walks and get to see the world while sitting? I think I'm slowly making my peace with it. So watch for me yelling, "On your left!" while I zip by you Steve-Rogers-Style. 

I've been put on Seroquel for my mental health. It's main side effect is drowsiness. And boy, have I been drowsy! I take it at night, as I get super loopy about twenty minutes after taking it and then it puts me right out. I sleep all the way through the night and then into the morning. And I feel like I'm slightly drunk the entire day until about a couple hours before it's time to take it again. I'm hoping that my body will adjust to this medication, as it's the best one I've tried. I'm taking it in conjunction with my very high dose of Effexor. There are some symptoms that are getting worse, but others are definitely stabilizing or even getting better. And so it goes with treating any kind of illness. 

We bought a 2001 Red Corvette. I'm in love with it! It is so comfortable to ride in, and I'm loving working on it with my husband. I know nothing about cars, but I can follow directions well and I adore learning. It's been a long time since I've been able to work with my hands, and I get such a thrill from building and cleaning and unscrewing and all the things one can do with a tool chest. I've only ever built furniture and set pieces, but my husband has spent his life working on cars and is a very competent teacher.

Look at how proud he looks to be in our garage. This was the first day we brought him home, before we began to work on him to make him the best he can be.

Baby got back.

Currently, there is a really low-budget dubbed horror movie on TV. The "monster," if you can even call it that, is so ridiculous that I can't stop laughing every time it appears on the screen. What even was the Creature Designer thinking? Or Makeup Designer? I don't even know who or what is to blame for this atrocious attempt at scaring an audience. You'd think an Italian horror movie would be better than this, but nope. Oh, now we're visiting some creepy producer who has cameras everywhere and they're making it out to be like a cyber horror flick? I'm so confused. Oh, the creepy producer is in a wheelchair. Can't wait for him to get possessed and stand up or some other cliche. I've been loving these campy horror movies that have been on TV as well as some old favorites like Agatha Christie's Hercule Poirot with David Suchet as the main character and The Great British Baking Show. All are excellent distractions from pain and loneliness. Oh, wait guys, there is a creepy repairman in the house of the main character. I'll bet he's possessed or something. Main character (woman, actress) is going upstairs to check on her baby. There is a stranger watching the baby, but the stranger claims to be related to the regular babysitter. And the main character doesn't seem disturbed by ALL THESE STRANGE PEOPLE IN HER HOUSE. Also, the director keeps blaring heavy metal music at weird moments to show that something out of the ordinary is happening. But enough about this terrible excuse for a movie. Did y'all know that old episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000 are on Hulu and Netflix? My husband and I really enjoy making fun of these silly movies, and MST3K adds in an excellent level of humor and entertainment to the wooden acting, bad camera angles, etc.

But now it's time to make some lunch. Hopefully I'll be able to write more consistent posts in the future. Love to you all!

We Are The New Warriors

The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that I need to create a soundtrack playlist for my life. Doing the kind of things that chronic illness and mental illness warriors do on a daily basis requires superhero movie music. I mean, honestly. Someone without these things won't know how hard it is to fight with your own body and/or your own mind. It takes so much energy to get out of bed, brush teeth, style hair, make food, and other things that able-bodied and neurotypical people do in their routines. (I'm not sure if neurotypical is the proper term, as these things change a lot. What I mean is someone who is not fighting a mental illness. Feel free to correct me in the comments if the term has changed, and I will use the new term in future posts.)
Tonight, I looked over the reading my Psychologist has given me. I set my alarm to get up in time to get ready to go to my first Group Therapy session, prescribed by my Psychiatrist. I took my evening mind and body medications in order to be able to survive the night. I looked over my prescription papers that say that I medically need a wheelchair starting now. And all I could think as I did all this was action movie music swelling the way it does in every good action movie and the main character (me) saying epically, "Let's do this!" followed by the bass drop and subsequent fight music.
When we say we are warriors, we do not take that term lightly. We are not being overdramatic. We are not applying labels to things that don't deserve them. Someone who fights as hard as we do is a warrior. These illnesses take our blood, sweat, tears, friendships, families, future hopes, saliva, organs, awareness, and whatever else they want. And we fight tooth and nail to keep as many of those things as long as we can.
We are many. We are mighty. And if we ever get completely better, we'll dominate the world. But for now, we will take naps and continue to fight when we wake up.

10 Happy Things

While I am still over the moon about the new EDS research, there's too much other stuff going on in my medical world right now and I can't try to make sense of it enough to write a meaningful post. I'm so tired and so terrified of new physical and mental symptoms that are doing whatever the heck they are doing and I don't think I can handle talking about these things publicly yet.

So. Here's 10 Happy Things:

1. Guess what my baby Jeph learned to do? He can open doors all by himself! He opens the door to go outside to pee all on his own. This is huge, people! Huge! And today, he opened the fridge for me for the first time! Simply amazing. I love him.

2. Tonight, my husband's friends are coming to see us. We're going to dress fun and go out and hopefully have an excellent evening.

3. I put an automatically-spraying air freshener thing in our living room and also cleaned the floors and now our house does not smell like pee. And will continue to smell nice, unless Jeph leaves me a present or two.

4. I'm excited to take a really relaxing bath this afternoon. I'm going to put so many excellent oils in it and stretch out my angry muscles.

5. There is ice cream in my freezer and I'm going to eat so much of it.

6. I'm excited to get my hair touched up so that it continues to look amazing.

7. There's a huge conspiracy thing going on that Justin Bieber is a reptilian creature and it's the best news story I've ever seen ever. There are like videos and everything where people go, "RIGHT THERE! HE BLINKED LIKE A LIZARD!" It's honestly amazing and I am so here for this.

8. I'm so excited to get Jeph's "Service Dog In Training" vest in the mail. Then, we get to start practicing and training in public.

9. I have so many green outfits that I have options for this weekend! I can try a bunch of them on and then decide instead of being stuck with a green t-shirt or something.

10. Magnum just released a Cookies 'N Cream ice cream bar and I need it.

Love to you all.

GREAT NEWS FOR EDS ZEBRAS!

Today is a beautiful, gorgeous day! Today, new medical research articles are being published about Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome! The classifications and requirements have been updated for the first time since 1997! After 20 years, we finally have some new information! Twenty years, people! I'm over the moon. I can't wait to skim the medical articles when they become available to the public later today. A "layman's" version will be published in a few weeks for easier access for everyone.
Do you realize? Do you understand? This means there is updated information that doctors can read to understand how to treat us. This means those of us who have gone misdiagnosed and shoved to the side can be like, "OH LOOK! MEDICAL RESEARCH THAT YOU CAN READ THAT PROVES I HAVE AN ACTUAL PROBLEM IT IS RIGHT HERE LOOK AT IT!" It took me 25 years to be diagnosed properly, and with these new classifications, my type of EDS diagnosis might get altered slightly in order for me to get more specialized treatments.
The original classifications of "1,2,3" etc. have been replaced by acronyms and easily-understood diagnostic criteria. My "EDS Type 3 Hypermobility" would now just be called hEDS. How great is that? The others acronyms I've seen so far are cEDS (Classical) and vEDS (Vascular). Later today, the articles about the three main types (hEDS, cEDS, and vEDS) will come available to the public along with articles about the lesser-known types. I can't speak about those because I actually don't know what they are. I'm excited to find out and see if I fit those instead of hEDS. But if I stay with a hEDS diagnosis, I'm okay with that. But I digress. The point is, PUBLISHED NEW RESEARCH FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 20 YEARS!
There is even research on pregnancies and EDS. I know I've been very quiet about this kind of thing, but I absolutely cannot get pregnant currently. Is it possible for me to get pregnant? Yes. Is it horribly dangerous for me and my unborn child? Yes. Would we both die or be horribly destroyed for life if I didn't have an abortion? With the research from 1997, yes. What is this new research? I don't know, but I'm interested to read it! What a beautiful day it would be if the horror stories of women who have EDS dying in childbirth, losing their babies, and being wrecked and their baby being horribly hurt would disappear from the internet or be a rare case instead of the norm!
A week from tomorrow, I go to my doctor to talk about getting a wheelchair. If there are treatments that can reverse the damage my joints have endured or treatments that can slow that nastiness down, sign me up. Seriously.
The symbol for EDS is a Zebra. Zebra stripes on everything. Why? Because there is a famous quote by Dr. Theodore Woodward. Addressing medical students in the 1940s, he said, "When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras." So many of us have been treated as confusing "horses" by doctors who get frustrated with us and shove us to the side and dismiss us when we explain that we're different from other "horses." When we finally realize we've been zebras all along, the relief at having a name for ourselves is incredible. Even more rare is finding a doctor who knows what to do with our zebra-ness. The more light this disgusting, debilitating, awful illness gets, the more research will go into it and the more treatments will be discovered and the more people will be positively affected and maybe someday those of us who are "Zebra Strong" will not be seen as burdens to doctors, but as human beings who have a terrible but treatable ailment.

The Good, The Bad, And The Jeph

I've been officially diagnosed with PTSD. I was right. This is bad news because, well, obviously I'm going to have this for life and it really, really sucks. This is good news because it means I have treatment options and support groups and everything I need to cope. I started a new mood stabilizer on Saturday, and so far the only side effect I've experienced has been my eyes jumping around and not focusing as well as I'd like them to. But my mood...guys...my mood swings have gone dramatically down in just three days of this medication! So good. And the noise in my head has lessened maybe five percent, which is a small but noticeable difference. 

In not so great news, I have something else besides PTSD. The doctor is not certain what it is yet, and wants to treat the PTSD first and foremost so that she can get a more clear picture as to the symptoms that are part of the separate disorder. She warned me that it is one of the bad ones. The ones people hate to be diagnosed with. She comforted me with the knowledge that whatever it is, she will find it out and there will be treatments for it. She also ruled out Schizophrenia, which was a huge relief. She said it is probably a dissociative disorder, and that it is not at all unusual that a disorder like that accompanies the PTSD. My brain is resorting to child-like coping skills to deal with the overload of trauma messages it is processing. Children run away from problems, make up stories, ignore things until they go away, etc. and my brain is doing these kinds of things without my knowledge, causing black-outs, voices, and all the other terrifying things that aren't the horror that I'm already dealing with caused by the PTSD. It is also possible that the PTSD diagnosis will eventually be changed to C-PTSD, or Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, as I've had several traumas and not just a singular event. Also, my Night Terrors have become more pronounced, with me scaring my husband half to death by waking up screaming bloody murder. We're not sure if that is a side effect of the mood stabilizer or a new symptom, but it's not very fun for either of us. The dogs are both so used to me that they just lift their heads up like, "You good, bro? You need us? No? Okay," and then they go back to sleep.

SPEAKING OF DOGS! Jeph. You guys. Jeph. My little three month old fur baby has started taking care of me during attacks without any training whatsoever from me! How is this possible, you ask? Riley trained him. That's right, folks. Riley showed him what to do time and time again and he learned. On Saturday, I was lying on the couch in such a way that Riley couldn't quite get to me without injuring me. She nudged Jeph and he put his toy down, hopped up on the couch, walked up my body to my face, and licked my tears off. He noticed some tears had gone down onto my neck and he got those, too. Riley made a sound at him and he then laid down on me and kneaded my body with his head and paws until I stopped crying. He stayed on me and whined until I pet him, calming me further. Finally, we fell asleep together on the couch. Riley fell asleep on the floor, confident that her human was taken care of. He also insists I pick him up when I am pacing around the house, trapped in a manic episode. What a great little guy! He's still a little terror, eating the couch, knocking things off tables, eating laundry, and jumping up on me with his sharp little claws. But he is also coming along so well with his training. He is learning to walk by my side in a harness that he only hated for a few minutes. He is learning to be a calm, well-behaved little one. And now, thanks to Riley's guidance, I know he can perform some service dog tasks, and I'm eager to see what he can do when I actually train him!

It's been a weekend, y'all. But I'm hopeful for a future that will be difficult but doable. A future full of hard healing and many, many puppy cuddles.

Psych!

Yesterday, I went to a two hour psychiatry intake appointment. It was the most terrifying thing I have ever done. It is right up there with surgeries, teeth extractions, and staying in a room where there is a spider on the wall.
The building itself was probably the most run-down, creepy building I've seen. Think in your head of all the horror movies with psych hospitals, and then you have an idea of what I had to willingly walk in to. I almost couldn't get out of the taxi, as I was struck with such a paralyzing terror. I had been shaking all morning, and the moment I saw my destination, I couldn't breathe. Riley nudged me and made me get out of the car. She took me all the way to a building at the back of the creepy campus where the main entrance apparently was. She guarded me immediately upon entering, and did not stop guarding me for the next two and a half hours. If that doesn't tell you how awful the building was, I don't know what will. After getting registered at a run-down desk with people's pen marks all over it, I was led to a nurses' room to get my vitals checked. It was completely dark inside, as the nurses inside I guess don't believe in turning on the overhead lights. They took my vitals to the tune of someone's mixtape playing angrily in the background. I waited in a run-down, nasty waiting room. Then the grey clouds parted, so to speak, as I met the nurse who was going to be conducting my intense interview. She was a lovely person, and showed no signs of judgement no matter what I said. Her approach allowed me to open up and be incredibly honest with her the way I am honest with people I have known for years. After the interview, I had to wait in a nasty waiting room again for an appointment to get made, and guess who is returning to that awful building tomorrow for another two hour appointment where I will get a diagnosis and maybe some new medications? Me.
Last night, I broke down sobbing. I asked my husband what would happen if the diagnosis was something worse than what we thought. My loving husband held me and told me it wouldn't make a difference. He told me that we would just have a label for what is wrong and more possible treatments. He assured me he would stay with me no matter what and that we would get through the upcoming storms together, just as we have all the previous ones. I don't know what I would do without him as my rock. I never understood what people meant when they said things like "he is my rock" until I was married to him.
So listen up, hallucinations, voices, racing thoughts, flashbacks, panic, blank-out episodes, and everything else in my head. We're coming for you. Even if I have to go to every single creepy building in the world.

Learning To Be Okay: Hostage Negotiations

This is another Learning To Be Okay post. A reminder that these posts are for me to help myself work through the issues that I am facing in my mental health battle and I will not be offended if you can't read further due to issues of your own. Be safe, loves. TW: Self harm, abuse, suicide

One of the major problems I have is that I cannot buy nice things for myself or do any basic self care without feeling an incredible amount of guilt. There is a tiny, evil voice in my head that tells me that I am not worth it. That I don't deserve it. And I'm talking anything from makeup to clothes to skincare to expensive medications to bath supplies to basic groceries. I don't deserve to put fruit I like on the grocery list. I don't deserve to ask for a gallon of milk if my husband isn't going to drink over half of it. Sometimes it even tries to convince me that I don't deserve to take my pills on time. I haven't suffered enough for the day, so I should put off taking my heart pills. I am well aware that it looks ridiculous on paper, because of course I should eat and take pills and have clothes without holes, but please understand that this tiny evil voice is so convincing and so present in every decision I make throughout the day that I have moments of weakness where I believe it. It is exhausting to continue a running dialogue with it all day, every day. But the lesson I have learned about this voice is that it is not the voice of rationality. It is not the voice of reason. It is not the voice of truth. It took a very long time to learn this lesson, and I have to continually remind myself that no, this voice is not one to listen to and take advice from. The day I realized this lesson, it felt like I'd awakened from a nasty nightmare. Before I realized what was happening, my inner dialogue went something like this:

"I'm thirsty."
"You just had a drink fifteen minutes ago. You don't deserve another sip of water for at least another hour. Do some damn work for the first time in your life."
"True. Okay. What more can I do?" *Works self into exhaustion* *Dehydrates self* *Doesn't understand why self is always sick and why self cannot just rest*

Many times, the disgusting voice would try to openly convince me that I didn't deserve to be alive. I'd breathed enough air for the hour, I'd hurt enough people, I was gross and disgusting and the world had tolerated me long enough. I was ill from EDS, yet no one believed me and I was told how horrible and attention-seeking I was. Wouldn't it be better to just end everything than to hurt my loved ones with my supposedly fake illnesses? You see how convincing this nasty voice can be. The first time I tried to kill myself, I was 11. The knife was going toward my body when my mom unexpectedly came home and I was afraid of being caught and dropped the knife and ran to the bathroom to throw up. I know it doesn't make sense, but I didn't go through with it because I didn't want to burden my mom with finding my dead body in the kitchen right when she came home. Several other times that year, I waited until the house was asleep, said goodbye to my stuffed animals, put the blankets over my head and then held my breath until I passed out, trying to will my body to kill itself. Thankfully, it did not work and I woke up and sobbed, partly from not knowing why I wanted to die so badly, and partly because I was still alive. I could never tell anyone about these things, because that would be burdening more people, and that was unacceptable.

Once I realized that this voice was out to destroy, not help, my dialogue changed. I no longer willingly let it control my life. It feels like a hostage negotiation with my body as the hostage and myself and the voice as the opposing parties, but it is so much better than blindly listening. For example, as I sit here, I am running a dialogue in my head that goes something like this:

"I'm thirsty."
"You just had a drink fifteen minutes ago. You don't deserve another drink for at least another hour."
"That's bullshit and you know it."
"...Is it? Are you sure?"
"I'm thirsty, my water is right next to me, I'm going to drink it."
"You need to finish this blog post first. You haven't earned a drink until you hit "Publish."
"Screw you." *Takes drink of water* "Oh, I have to use the bathroom."
"It doesn't hurt yet, you can wait. Or are you so weak you have to put your disgusting self in the bathroom more than once a day?"
"That...makes no sense. I'm going to the bathroom."
"Ok, fine, but good luck taking a shower today because you haven't done any housework."
"...Ugh."

I am aware of where this evil voice came from. I won't get into a lot of it here, mostly because I'm afraid to hurt people who may have unwittingly contributed to it. But I will say that I know that it stems from my fears of inadequacy, my inability to be perfect all the time. I will also say that if you have any interaction with children at all at any point in your life, encourage their uniqueness and their individual abilities, talents, and personalities. Be loving and safe. When children feel that the adults in their life are not safe unless they perform a certain way or act a certain way, it feeds that nasty voice that I would not wish on anyone. Children start to withdraw, which is sometimes mistakenly viewed as a sign of maturity. A child with no personality to speak of is a terrified, hiding child, not a well-behaved young person. You might be surprised how the children under your care actually grow if you prove yourself to be a safe adult. And if a child trusts you enough to let you see their true selves, do your damndest to not violate that trust. Teach your children not to bully. Bullying is not funny, it is not something all kids do, you are literally screwing with people's lives. Take your role as a parent or teacher or caregiver or relative or someone who sees a child occasionally seriously and be a safe person.

I am looking forward to getting more tools for dealing with this nasty voice from my new psychologist and possibly controlling it a bit more with medications my new psychiatrist might supply. But until then, I will continue the hostage negotiations.

I'm So Tired And The House Is So Messy

I'm so tired. And the house is disgusting. Small pieces of dog toys litter the floors. I can't remember what my bedroom floor looks like. The side room doors are closed, partly so the puppy won't pee in there, but really because there is so much work to be done in each room and it is easier to just close the doors and forget about it. The dust bunnies took our brief trip as an excuse to multiply at alarming rates. And the dogs happily pooped all over the backyard. In one day, the grass is hardly visible and the nasty smell coming from the backyard is enough to stun a small elephant. Add that to my inability to bend over due to neck pain and the abdominal hemorrhage and you've got the situation: me stuck on the couch as the house falls down around my ears. The dogs are eating trash they found under the bed. I attempted to teach Jeph two new commands today. One of them stuck. The other one...we'll work on it.
I might perhaps be able to dust some today. In the living room. So that is one out of like seven hundred things I need to do. Did I mention that I have a Colonoscopy/Endoscopy on Friday? Did I mention that most people have to go on the liquid diet for one day but I have to start it today? Did I mention that I ate breakfast this morning as my last meal for the week and it made me incredibly ill for no reason whatsoever? Did I mention that I'm on hospital-level mgs of Zofran in order to stay out of the bathroom? Send help, folks.
Of course my husband would help me with everything if I asked him, and he does so many things without me asking. He takes care of the trash and the dishes and takes care of Jeph in the evenings and I honestly don't know what I would do without him. Probably cry more.
But the point of this post is not to tell you that I've got an amazing husband. It is to tell you that I am feeling overwhelmed and tired and crabby and sick and that this is normal considering what my body is going through right now and that it is okay to feel these things and to let these feelings run their course so you can get past them and get back to living life. Which I will do. This post is at the height of feeling overwhelmed. Perhaps later today or tomorrow, you'll all get a post about how life doesn't suck as much as I thought it did in this particular moment. We will see.

Master To-Do List That You Are Not Expected To Read But I Wrote Out Because I Needed To Vent Somewhere:
1. Backyard poop pick-up
2. Dust Living Room
3. Dust Master Bedroom
4. Clean both bathrooms
5. Laundry
6. Dishes
7. Trash
8. Pick up all trash the dogs have scattered all over the house
9. Throw away the old flowers on the dining table
10. Get Jeph humping Riley's head on camera because it is hilarious and he does it when she takes his toys
11. Write a blog post that doesn't suck
12. Clean Kitchen counters
13. Clean Dining Room table
14. Vacuum and Baking Soda Master Bedroom
15. Re-learn rules of capitalization because this post is a mess as far as that is concerned
16. Put all the weird stuff that found its way into the Living Room away
17. Swiffer (the wet steamer one) the hardwood floors
18. Give Jeph a bath because he smells like pee again
19. Clean Jeph's kennel because that's probably where that awful smell is originating from
20. Put the ten loads of clean laundry that are hiding in the first side room away
21. Clean both side rooms so they are useable and we have company coming in a few weeks and also maybe we can shove the dogs in one of the rooms occasionally to play
22. Vacuum both side rooms
23. Take all the papers that haven't been filed and file them already for goodness' sake
24. Re-organize the side room closets because they are gross right now
25. Continue to teach Jeph "Down" and "Lay Down" this week as well as reinforcing "Sit," "Leave It," and "Quiet."
26. Cry over how long this list is and how you're literally only going to be able to do maybe two things off of this list.